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Stories I

Beamer go poo-poo!

by Craig Tanner

Craig (the house sitter) is minding his pastor’s dog. Only thing is, Beamer needs to hear a codeword before he can respond to the call of nature while he’s outside. Nobody say ‘Beamer go poo-poo’ because there might be a nasty accident!

29 July 2004

I have been house/dog sitting for my pastor all this week while he is on vacation. The real reason that I am staying at his house is because of their dog, Beamer. The Perry’s didn’t really want to leave him in a kennel and thought it would be better if someone would stay with him, so I agreed to stay and watch the dog. It’s pretty easy stuff. Feed him twice a day, take him out to go potty in the morning, afternoon, and evening times, and that’s about it. He has several toys that he likes you to throw so that he can chase them down all throughout the house, which can be quite amusing. During this little chapter in my life I have learned several things about this dog:

1. He likes to run around in hyperactivity mode, come at you with full speed and force and then jump with both legs extended directly into your groin area. This may not be as painful for the females as it is for the males, but let me just say that I have been taken out a couple times this week already.

2. He likes to roll around in the nastiest, stinky smelling stuff he can find and then sit under you during dinner so that you can hardly eat because of the wretched smell of death emitting from him. I took care of this problem by filling up the bathtub and dumping him in. I found the doggy soap and me and Beamer had a little bathing party. Unfortunately Beamer was not the only one to get completely soaked during this little adventure. The floors, walls, my clothes, and everything else was covered in water and doggy suds.

3. The only way to get this dog to go poop is to say the special code word. All week I have been trying to get him to go potty outside and he never would. He would hold it in and go in the house. I couldn’t figure it out, because I took him outside often and for long periods of time. I called the pastor and told him of the problem and here is what he said to do, “Well you have to take Beamer out to the tall grass and then say to him, ‘Beamer go poo-poo.'” To this I was skeptical and thought it was a joke. So I went back to the house, took him out to the tall grass, and I said, ‘Beamer, go poo-poo’. And he did! I couldn’t believe it, the dog needs a code word to go to the bathroom outside. Sheesh.

4. He has big claws. I was getting him all worked up, playing around with him and he was jumping around when suddenly he landed on my face. Unfortunately for me his big ole claws sunk into my face and scratched my nose half off. It was a painful experience. After a few minutes of screaming and holding my face he decided to just lick me instead. *sigh*

5. He likes to terrorize the poor neighborhood dog that is stuck in a fenced yard. Beamer hears him barking and then goes strutting over there as if to say, ‘look at me, I am not stuck in a cage like you!’

I have about four more days of dog baby-sitting. We’ve gotten along so far, so I am not too worried about the days to come.

Craig Tanner

About the author: Craig Tanner

Craig is a conservative, evangelical Christian who holds strongly to reformed theology. Born in 1979, Craig works full-time in a youth ministry and is currently working on his MA Divinity. He likes to house sit because it’s fun and he gets to hang out with manic pets.